you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Randomize
