why do cheetos always look like penises
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
