Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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