No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
