cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
