I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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