You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
