Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
it's like iHOP with fire
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
