Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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