Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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