My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
