Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
