??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
