When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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