oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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