i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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