you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
