let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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