Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
