i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
