I think I won the penis lottery.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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