fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
