Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
