half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
