Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
