Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize