My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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