I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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