im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
