I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
