Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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