He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
