who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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