I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
