Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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