HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
