At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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