Im at strip club and am horny
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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