Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
