i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize