God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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