I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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