there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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