Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
