hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
