Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
