sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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