His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
