I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I FOUND THE LEGS
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
