I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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