i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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