Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
