we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
