Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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