Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
