I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
