so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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