This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize