areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
