you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
