they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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