i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
